HOW TO OVERCOME A DIVORCE

How to overcome A divorce

How to overcome A divorce. Divorce is common, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re going through it. Inherently complicated, both emotionally and legally, the process of breaking off from your spouse can become overwhelming. But it is possible to make a bad situation better. Written by Allison Jones and Owen Lockwood, two family law attorneys, How to Survive a Divorce helps you navigate your legal matters, and even encourages you to become a better person along the way. While the decision to get divorced is often preceded by acrimonious circumstances, the legal proceedings themselves don’t have to make matters worse. By learning about your options and understanding the process, you can begin to see it not as a bitter end, but as a catalyst for building a new life. 

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No matter the circumstances, the mix of emotions you’re dealing with during your separation can often be confusing or even frightening. You might be unsure how to fully comprehend how you feel or how you should feel. But it’s important to remember there are no correct emotions. Your feelings, whatever they might be, are valid. Instead of fighting back, give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Research has found that people with self-compassion are able to handle the daily challenges of divorce better in the months after separation. Being understanding and caring to yourself will go a long way in getting over your divorce.

2. Don’t View Your Marriage as a Failure

Divorce has become less stigmatized in our culture over time. After all, many first-time marriages fail, and the divorce rate is even higher for second and subsequent marriages, Cocharo says. Still, there might be a temptation to view marriage as a defeat, which can hinder how divorced couples move on with their lives. “Even the word ‘fail’ is indicative of how we look at divorce,” Cocharo says. “It’s a good idea not to—or at least try not to — look at it as a failure, but rather as something that’s no longer serving each party.” This perspective ties back into the idea of being kind to yourself. Cocharo encourages individuals not to beat themselves up with the “failure narrative.” Instead, look back at the good moments in the relationship and, more importantly, the moments that have brought growth in yourself.

3. Keep a Positive Environment

Cocharo warns that divorce has the possibility of getting nasty, especially when lawyers and courtrooms are involved. But keeping a positive environment around not only you and your former partner but especially around your children is beneficial to all involved. Studies show that children exposed to constant parental conflict are more at risk for psychological and social problems. On top of that, high stress will only make getting through your divorce more difficult for you. Cocharo suggests collaborative divorce or mediation—instead of going straight to litigation—to reduce nastiness. In a collaborative divorce, you will typically have more say in the decisions surrounding your divorce, Cocharo says. If you opt for mediation, a neutral third party may help you and your former partner feel more empowered to “design your own separation.”

4. Stick to Your Routine

Whether you’re the one who initiated the divorce or not, it’s common to feel a little lost. Your life is in the midst of a significant change, and it might be hard to feel settled. So, it’s essential to keep your routine and avoid isolating yourself during this time, Cocharo says. Continue doing the things that make you happy, whether that’s in your social life, your hobbies, or your weekly habits. “If you went to Church on Sundays, then go to Church on Sundays; if you used to eat salads, keep eating salads,” Cocharo says. “Really stick to a routine, so your life feels as normal as possible.”

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Especially if you’re having trouble finding a trusted friend or confidant, Cocharo encourages seeking out a trusted therapist or divorce group to help you work through this difficult time. Divorce represents a “loss of a lifestyle,” she says, and it carries different stages of grief, just like any loss. Ultimately, the goal is to work through these different levels, which may include sadness, depression, fear, and anxiety, and—to get to a level of acceptance where you can move forward. Individual therapy or divorce groups where you can hear stories from people going through a similar situation can be a great support during this time. “To get to acceptance, sometimes you need some help and guidance moving through the various stages,” Cocharo says.